istikinowts

This is what my desktop looks like nowadays.

I'm a sticky notes addict. Got this freeware from hottnotes.com, naturally.

Colorful, eh? XD

Would like to file for retraction, but would rather not.

Hormones, people. I was under the influence of a cycle worse than a tornado, more devastating than a tsunami, and most fickle than all fickled women (young, old, and older) combined.

I don't want to say it was all a lie. As a matter of fact, everything I said in my first post yesterday was true. Only on that day. Not to worry, attacks like these are to be expected. Sometimes I'll go quiet, other times I'll give a shout out. This is one of those shout outs.

Anyway, I have all the time in the world and I have to say that I did learn valuable things during college. I'm currently alive and surviving because of them. The time wasted, I can't do anything about it. I'll just have to make the most out of the coming seconds and minutes and hours, days and weeks of my future and say thanks, I'm still breathing. There are a lot of opportunities for me now that I am keeping an eye out, and I don't intend to close my doors on anything that comes my way. This should be very exciting, I can't wait for the rest of my life :)

As for THAT, the one I mentioned at first was not the reason but actually was... well, I'm a girl. I can't help it. All I can do now is laugh it off and go on to my next victim~er, prospect. Better fish in the sea. Don't deserve me. Lots of others, only too little time. You're just a boy, and I'm THE girl. Yadda, yadda.

So, no retraction then. I'll let it be and let it pass. Nobody noticed it anyway, hohohoho.

Boredom rules. Rak.

Song of the week

Stop this negativity!!! Must be the hormones. And now I'm just eating my words from my last post.

Leche X(

Jealous Guy
John Lennon

I was dreamin' of the past
And my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside

Oh, I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was trying to catch your eyes
Thought that you was trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain
I was swallowing my pain

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy, watch out
I'm just a jealous guy, look out, babe
I'm just a jealous guy

April blues

Disclaimer: Put out your ice cubes and rafters, please.

There’s just something missing.
Like a missing ingredient to make the pot taste better. Some people never needed that ingredient; it’s more like a bonus for them because they are already naturally or skillfully “tasty.” Geniuses, talented, gifted. As for me, aside from being a lowly ordinary human being with the average IQ, I needed it because convention, peer pressure, and the simple steps towards maturity call for it. Society dictates that to be the perfect brew and reach a high rate to success, you must add up this specific ingredient. To anyone else, that ingredient would be relative depending on their past regrets or deficiency in life. It can be two ingredients, several, or a lot. To me it’s just one. And by God it’s not about a guy.

I wasted my time in college. I got sidetracked, distracted, care-free… name it, the point is I wasted my time spending it mostly outside of class. I had too many missed opportunities that I intentionally ignored. Everything felt hard or boring or just plain uninteresting because I never tried the next step. I never had a goal then, a concrete one at that. I was just thinking of the “now,” the “what’s next?”, and not the aftereffects of my actions to my future.

This, hence, resulted to getting pissed off easily, defensive, negative and fuck, just plain pathetic. In short, pity parties are most concurrent than my monthly period. But most of all, I just feel tired. Tired of regretting why I made second thoughts and chose the wrong answer, knowing in the first place that it’s the wrong answer (stupid huh?). So tired of holding myself back and regretting why I wasted my time not being able to go through that and finish what needs to be finished. And so, so fucking tired of thinking if I deserve to be happy knowing that I’m still half-baked? Right now I just feel exhausted writing this pitiable paragraph.

It just so happens I felt the happiest after coming back from my summer hiatus before and during Holy Week. Now, after too much thinking and piecing together insubstantial facts (best called as rumors), that source of happiness is quickly evaporating. With this, please go back to the previous paragraph, first three sentences. Only it’s worse by two folds because I was on higher ground than before, so the fall is longer and harder.

Honestly, this admission is too private for me and too close to the target, but thinking if I let it out to the world (if ever anyone would care to listen), maybe an echo with a different voice and more positive sentiments might come back. I don’t want to call this entry a “pity party” because hell and high water will come first before I admit to it as such. I just don’t want to shut up anymore. And I’m freaking pissed off. Hell, I need a shrink. Or maybe a hug.

Pity party indeed.


Other titles for this entry: Moment of weakness, Pity party, Ice cubes and rafters, Quarterly period, Free hug, Vetsin nga dyan

Food trip

PG 13. Pigging out is not good, please don't try this at home.

Ito'ng hirap kung mag-isa sa bahay, tamad magluto para sa sarili at tamad bumili ng pagkain dyan lang sa kanto.
1. Magastos.
2. Nakakataba.
3. Magastos.
4. Kahit ayaw mo nang ulitin dahil magastos nga, uulitin mo parin. Pangalawang beses ko na ito.

Our menu for today's lunch:
Yellowcab's 10" 4 Seasons with extra cheese topping (na parang walang silbi.)
Charlie Chan pasta
Half-baked Potatoes
Del Monte Pineapple juice (odiba healthy parin? Leche.)


Total savings: NADA.
Total weight: F-U.
Contentment rate: Heaven.

Haaaay. Masarap talaga ang bawal.

You're the Best Thing

Style Council

I could be discontent and chase the rainbows end
I might win much more but lose all that is mine
I could be a lot but I know I'm not
I'm content just with the riches that you bring
I might shoot to win and commit the sin
Of wanting more than I've already got
I could runaway but I'd rather stay
In the warmth of your smile lighting up my day
(the one that makes me say, heh)

'Cause you're the best thing that ever happened to me or my world
You're the best thing that ever happened - so don't go away

I might be a king and steal my peoples things
But I don't go for that power crazy way
All that I could rule but I don't check for fools
All that I need is to be left to live my way
(say listen what I say)

I could chase around for nothing to be found
But why look for something that is never there
I may get it wrong sometimes but I'll come back in style
For I realise your love means more than anything
(the song you make me sing - yeah)

'Cause you're the best thing that ever happened to me or my world
You're the best thing that ever happened - so don't go away.

Think bubble

I miss the beaches. The sand, the sound of waves crashing, the star-studded ink-black sky at night...

It's been four days since we last came back from Catanduanes, then I've been busy with climbing for the first three days. And this is the first time I ate dinner here at home since last April 3. I actually missed it. Career-driven much? Okay, I'm getting into this "much" expression hype. Funny really. I'll try not to get the hang of it, MUCH. Ah, heck.

Anyway, I could still remember. It felt so right standing on that shore, my feet sinking into the rough-soft sand, the water almost lapping at my toes, the sun blaring against the bluest sky... I could live that way. I could stay that way, just staring ahead the horizon, wondering where it ends. I could find myself in that state so easily. I think the word is "contentment." But it's something temporary, because reality bites you in the ass whenever your cellphone gives it's shrill alert. It's all good though, too much goodness will probably give me a bellyache. Like eating too much candy. Besides, I won't be able to appreciate the sweet if not for the sour.

I think I have enough patience to wait for the next chance to go back to that beach. To the sand, the waves and the stars. I've had enough practice with waiting anyway. Double-meaning much? Haha!

Kopon bond

But no. Here I am typing away. About what? Nothing. Hah.

But really I need to take a bath now. XD

...

Waw. Blangko talaga. Sabi ko sa sarili ko kailangan kong magsulat ng magsulat para pampraktis, tapos ito blangko. Wala na ba kong maikukuwento tungkol sa buhay ko ngayon? Ah, oo nga pala. Naiduwal ko na yung nangyari sakin sa nakaraang dalawang linggo sa last post ko (ni wala man lang grammar check, so nakakahiya ew). Tatlong araw palang ang nakalilipas, ganoon na ba ka-boring ang life ko? Wew.

Pero itong nakaraang tatlong araw, puro akyat bahay gang ang ginagawa ko. Kailangan kong ibalik ang dati kong schedule (pronounced the British way). Pinapagod ko lang sarili ko ngayong linggo. At ang aking sleeping habit, it's all broken. Lech.

...

Wala. Wala talaga. Sabi ko matutulog na ko, pero ito ganito parin. Sige, itutulog ko nalang ito. Tinitilaukan na ko ng mga manok sa labas.

Start of summer

I never thought that I would be friends with the universe at last. Probably because I allowed myself to be vulnerable to its fateful grasps. And look where it got me for the past two weeks? I found myself two happy places. I found my element, though I’m still teetering for balance, but with practice it would be as easy as pie. If I allow myself just to be.

What am I talking about in the first place? Well, I’d hate to go into details because… I’m still shy to do so. Hahahah! What the. But the point of the matter is, I’m able to allow myself to be vulnerably happy without fearing if some bad karma will just snatch it all away. Or if I deserve it or not. Okay, so I’m still blabbering. Maybe I’ll just give you some snapshots of what has been happening in my boring life for the past two weeks so you may get it:

I went to Bagasbas, Daet to take part on the 2nd Bagasbas Surf Festival last April 4-5, all the time thinking that I’m just there to enjoy the sand, the water and the people. I ended up joining a nationals climbing competition expecting nothing and decided to have the most fun out of it, and what did it reward me? A third place (along with an up-and –coming co-climber as well) in the Women’s Novice Difficulty climbing category. That was the first time I joined a competition without feeling too much pressure and all the time I was just damn happy. My heart was beating all that time not with wracking nerves but with anticipation. Winning a place was a major bonus, but hearing the people I became friends with at Daet cheering me on and joining in with my antics while I was struggling up the finals wall was my ultimate prize. I have to admit, it did pass my mind that I’d want to win a place, but it didn’t matter much. After that experience, I found something new in me. I was not usually the competitive type, and I backed away from any challenge most of my life, fearing the failure. But the feeling of knowing there’s a potential in me was intoxicating. I found out that I don’t have to be up for competition with any other person, but rather, I’m up for competition against myself. That way, I can better myself without the risk of having to lose myself to other people and take them for granted. And that I won’t have to be afraid if I lost or fail at all. It’s a part of what everyone goes through inside or outside any competition. It’s a part of life. From hereon, I can never look at climbing the same way again. I finally found a happy place.

Another is spending the Holy Week at my father’s province in San Andres, Catanduanes. It was the first time we spent the Lenten season there complete, with my older brother along. That was the chance for us to just be, as well. Though I’d snatch a few hours to do follow ups at work via broadband (which didn’t help much thanks for the weak signal), and so does my bro. Still, I found out I have the most amazingly dynamic and diverse family tree. Those who were supposed to stick together created their barriers in between, and those who were expected to be at opposite sides were the best of allies. I’m just lucky, and I’m taking advantage in every way possible. The more I see the family on my father’s side, the more I want to work hard for Erpat’s benefit. He didn’t get as much attention as he should in his position when he was young, and it breaks me up that he still has so much to give despite the lack of some things. I’d have to say, he’s the epitome of a big brother to his family. And he’s just too kind for his own good. Sometimes, we tell him so, but he’d retaliate by being hard on us so we’d think otherwise. The truth of the matter is, he’s a mamon, hehehe. And as for Kuya, he was able to grab an ample moment of relaxation during our mini-vacation. He’s been stressing himself so much with a lot of things and has been so serious with a lot of things, and that was his time to decompress. I’m glad he got it. He looked more like himself before adulthood caught up with him. Ermats, as usual, allowed herself to just loosen up as well, and become her klutzy own self. The Videoke queen as my uncle and aunt would tease her. And I have fallen crazy head over heels with my little cousins, all four devils of them. Twenty-four hours haven’t passed by and I already miss them. That’s what made my stay all the more wholesome and rewarding. Another thing I’m fascinated with is how my aunts, especially the youngest, would go around and with every turn on the street, she’d greet a person or two, then would whisper to me, “He’s a cousin from this side, and from that…” San Andres is like a big family compound. Everyone’s related, whether it be a good or bad side. But the connection is there, and that’s what matters.

Living there was a piece of cake, as long as you have the mucho dineros to support yourself every day. I could easily slip into the early waking hours and the early shut-off nights. Just give me the sun, the sea and the stars, and I’m done with. It’s the perfect breakaway from the city. How typical for me to say that. I guess that proves the point.

I’d have to say, everything looks different right now. I’m looking ahead with a new sight. A very positive one. I’m learning not to be afraid of risks or challenges anymore. I’m learning to embrace my mistakes and just go ahead. I’m learning life, as I should. Damn happy. Haha!

A rose is a rose is a rose...

"...What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet
..."

- Juliet Capulet, being her daft self

Not meaning to be so poetic, but the phrase just popped up in my head. So ironic for my situation right now. I claim to be head over heals in tumbled emotions with someone because of his name. But which came first, the egg or the chicken? I get deeply attracted to specific guys and they end up having the same first letters on their names and month of birth. Must be in my horror-scope.

Anyway, I was contemplating on putting a permanent mark on it. But just merely contemplating. These kinds of things need thorough thinking. If I were to put a permanent mark on my skin, might as well make the most out of it. Right now, I still have no design in mind. When inspiration strucks, I wish I were that lucky.

Henna tattoo courtesy of Jigs (one of those imminent amazing climbers, or already apparently so) from PUTS.

Idle hands

No, not the self-possessed murderous hand as the movie connotes. Though I don't wish my hands to be useless (much less murderous), especially when I'll be joining a climbing competition this weekend.

I'm scared shitless.

I had no training nor any purposeful exercise for the past week, and here I am having the audacity to join a nationals competition. NATIONALS. What's wrong with me?

One of the gym instructors told me that since I'll be there anyway, why not join in? Fine. I'll join the novice category, it's been ages since I last joined an individual competition, some other competitions I joined were in teams. at least I'd know I can finish up to 3 panels or so since it's a top rope category.

Then lightning struck, and rain falls hard at Bagasbas, Daet, where it will all happen. It has been like that since Tuesday, I was told. Now news got in that the route setters are contemplating on replacing the novice competition with the bouldering category rather than a top rope. Ten ten teeeeen. Boy, am I in trouble now. I haven't done any bouldering problems for, let's say, AGES?!? I was already set on enjoying myself once I get there. Now I'm at my toes with wracked nerves I've forgotten which way is up to down.

But then I remembered, I agreed to join because I decided to take risks now. And there's a goal that I need to accomplish before the year ends and if I don't act fast, next month will already be December. It's a project I intend to finish to the last detail.

"A goal properly set is already half-way reached."

Got stuck on me after reading it from a Tita Dine's Plurk. So I'm 50% almost there.
Ah heck, there's no use worrying about the competition. Might as well let it bring itself on and just try to have fun. And hope to God that I actually am 50% almost there.