A little prayer

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

I got this prayer from two of my best friends in different occasions: one when I was in need of a friend, another when I was the one needed. Some things in life we have to accept and make do with what was laid in front of us rather than complain what should be. I can say I am guilty of the latter, in more moments than one. I think it's part of human nature, to complain a lot. There wouldn't be conflicts to discuss about, issues to ponder, problems to solve... it makes humans more interesting that way. I'd like to think this path, whatever this path is, is laid out to me for reasons I still don't know, yet. Events in my life have lead to this. Though this is not yet finished.

I'm being melodramatic. It's just that I've gotten into a venture that is way past due and it's something that we all want to flourish. It's something I started with my friends, with myself, and something I don't want to finish, because finishing it would end it and businesses aren't good that way. Yep, it's a business venture. I finally got something that I could change, and I can partly say have a control of. I just wish, hope and pray it will be successful as we all want it to be.

Then there's another situation I was able to, or slowly but surely, let go of. It's a hopeless scenario anyway, hindered by distance, stature, and scant opportunity. I feel that I am finally over that. Acceptance is slowly sinking in and taking its root. Looking back at it will only remind me of my foolishness. I won't go into details, it's too boring even for my taste.

I won't complain now. Or at least I'll try not to. I'll just do what I can with what's given to me. Time, resources, opportunities lie awake and waiting. I'll have to be vigilant in trying not to waste those. I have my moments of weakness, but I will persevere. What's life for?

Post-Ondoy Onslaught

It's been two days since last Saturday's torrential downpour. Now the devastation is apparent as the sun beats down the aftermath. Knee-deep in mud, destroyed properties, washed out homes, taken lives...

I was at home at that time, safe and comfortable along with my family, unaware that the rain was currently tearing down other homes much like mine with families also inside them. Not safe, far from comfort. We were unaware of the gravity of the situation until we saw the news yesterday (after finally gaining connection through cable and internet), the ruined houses, overturned vehicles, destroyed structures. It was all surreal and shocking because what we experienced during the typhoon was nothing to what we were seeing on TV. It was a nightmare come true.

Now, the pull is far greater than before. The pull to help out others who are still in need. Right now, I feel so helpless, work preventing me from doing something about it. As of the moment, the only help I could think of is reposting announcements, emergency hotlines and updates through Facebook. I've also been trying to keep in touch with friends and asking for their situation through text messages, whom I haven't heard news from since last Saturday. Later, I plan to pass by our climbing gym to give out my share in the donations for those who'll need food.

I just hope it still won't be too late to help come weekend. And for the supposed incoming monsoon this Thursday, I hope it's not as worse as Ondoy. God knows a lot of people have already suffered enough.

Revived

Now currently out of the storm cloud. Had some mild bursts this morning, but I was put to right again. And my mood lifted a bit after watching the Cheer Dance Competition yesterday afternoon. The team I was vying for didn't grab first place, but I hope this one will be a lesson learned for them: don't leave your feet from the ground once you've experienced reaching the stars. A lesson on humility. This lesson is specifically targeted to a person I know so well.

But I think it's part of his DNA that's irrevocably there. It runs in the blood, unfortunately. Too bad we're also related.

Last week has been explosively mind-curdling. In tagalog: "mainit ang ulo." I have no idea where I got it, if there's a virus spreading or something. Most people I know had the S for the past week as well. Was it the constant rain? Usually this just makes me sleepy. I just hope that phase is done and over with. I've got a lot going on my plate at work so I might as well concentrate on that all the more this coming weeks. By God, for all I know September's over already, but I really don't want to. Except that if it doesn't end, then my piggy bank won't be fed soon. AND I NEED IT FED constantly.

It's the BER, it's the BER! My usual childish excitement is gone when the Ber season comes, because I'm not the receiving end of gifts anymore (but I get lucky at times, hehe). It is now the other way around. But I always have fun buying gifts, as long as I have enough money in my pocketses. Haha!

===

S - is for "sumpong"

In 5, 4, 3, 2....

Eight months down, four months to go…. And why am I counting in the first place? I have no idea. Just feel like counting. Counting makes the time pass too quickly or too slowly, and it’s a total waste of effort. It’s like chewing bubble gum. I don’t want this to be a sign of post-traumatic stress for the incoming two-seven in five days. It shouldn’t matter because I already felt the number the moment 2009 started.

Anyway, it’s the last day of the month of August. Our dance workshop is already coming to a close, we will have our last two sessions for the Poppin’ class this week and I’m already missing it. Jazz Funk already finished last week, but I hope they’ll still offer classes on Saturdays. Wish there will be another workshop next month. I need a distraction, aside from work. It’s still not enough. Actually, I need something… something to keep me going… ah, I need vitamins. Naubusan na ko last week. More energy, mas happy :P

Or maybe, I need to get back to the things I’ve left behind. I already went back to climbing. Sketching perhaps? Writing again. Making up half-baked stories that will go nowhere. I wonder where my old ones went to… I just need something to get me going. I’ll still keep on taking hiphop lessons, and maybe enroll in a jazz dance class, who knows? I just NEED something.

Ergo, I made a deal with myself and with Flori (if not with the Devil, lol) sealing it with an unseen drug-induced iced tea: I have until September 5, 2009 at 10:40 in the evening (Manila time) to stop this nonsense I’m going through. To dispel this unknown restlessness. To let go of things that has kept me from taking the next step. To just be. I have drawn a line. A boundary. A limit. I’m only human after all. And my EQ level’s not as spectacular as anyone might think.

So there, Fate. Your turn to draw your cards. Got nothing else in me, but the aces. Only the aces.

What we really wanna do

Imagine, it's been a month since I last posted that I'll be broke in 2 weeks from that time... but nope. Not really. I didn't get to buy what I want, decided to wait for my birthday (which is a month away) ... so I bought 2 sets of shoes. Well, it's less than half of what I was supposed to shell out for the iTouch gadget I'm salivating for. But with the activities I've been into these days, feels like I bought one anyway. I am having fun though, and that's what matters the most.

I enrolled for a dance workshop this month of August for Jazz Funk and Poppin' sessions. It's funny that I get to do things that I wanted at this age. Then again, it's never too late. I wonder, what kind of life would I have if I had the chance to do this at a young age? Would I have that same passion and excitement as I have right now every time I enter the studio where we take classes? Every decision made, step forward and back link everything that went on with my life which got me to here. I wonder, would I have been better off without those opportunities? Yet, opportunities I could not afford to want. I had an excuse then, what's my excuse now?

I remember this one comment my brother made the other night (which is the second time in this lifetime that I heard from him) while we were watching an advertisement of Milo Sports Clinic for basketball, with him asking why he never had the chance to join that when he was younger? He answered his own question anyway: because we never had that much money then to afford such things. It's one of his frustrations, and probably as well as mine, that we never had the chance to join extra-curricular activities of our interest because we didn't have the extra money to shell out. But it never occured to me to blame my parents for this, because we already understood at a very young age that we couldn't afford to splurge. We weren't really poor, just below the thin line of making ends meet. I think it never occured to my brother to blame them, as well. Maybe he's just feeling regretful why he never thought of making an extra effort to pursue those things. Now, Kuya's a Sports Science graduate, a certified pilates instructor and assistant coach to a cheerleading squad of a prominent university. I wonder, did our frugal state then somehow gave a hand in his exceptional situation right now? Does he really want to dwell on regretting over something he never had the chance to do years ago?

I told him, just for the heck of it, why won't he enroll into one of those clinics right now, since he has more than enough money of his own to pay for the fee. With ego bruised, he replied that he'd rather coach a basketball team than join the clinic. He is capable of that, no doubt about it. My comment irked him, to my satisfaction. And our attention was swept away yet again by a distraction called TV. As accomplished as he is right now, he can be so thickheaded sometimes.

Mid-year crisis

Trivia: Rose as June's month flower

The month of marriages, commitments, ‘til death do us parts. Named after the Roman Goddess Juno (her equivalent Hera in Greek), the deity ruling over marriage and the family household. Whoever gets married in this month gets lucky, they say. Or probably because it has the almost perfect weather for getting married. Not so much in this part of the world though (it actually rained just minutes ago), thanks to the overpowering changes due to global warming.

I have mixed feelings for this month, usually because it’s the start of classes and the end of summer days. It’s a love-hate relationship. Be that as it may, another thing that tells us about June is it’s the middle of the year already. That fast? Damn it. I still haven’t put down this Santa Claus musical toy hanging on our light switch. Although now I can safely say goodbye to summer, thanks to my April escapades (but the sand and the sea are always welcoming changes all year round). So that’s half a year already, and a quarter away from my birthday. I honestly feel I didn’t have to go through that ordeal since I already feel twenty-*toot* years older. It more than reminds me also that I am nearing at the edge of the precipice of the big three-oh. What’s the significance? Oh nothing really. Just that I’ve gone past the mid-midlife crisis and is now pushing through what-the-hell-am-I-doing-in-my-life catastrophe. Like it matters. Yep, definitely no significance whatsoever. HALP.

But that’s negativity talking here. What’s wrong with pushing 30? When all the people you know are getting married, going out of the country, buying their own houses, driving their own cars, raising kids, paying the bills, changing diapers, paying tuition fees, getting the Nobel prize, while I, on the other hand, is writing this blog? Hahahah! Yeahhhhh. Solitary bliss rocks. Uhuh-uhuh. Tsss.

But I’m happy, momentarily. It’s not something that comes by easily but when it comes, I’m happy that I’m happy. But I’m not content. Never, not yet. Could that be possible? Yes, I’m living proof. I can be happy for so many things. But contentment is harder to get by compared to happiness. My purpose in life still eludes me. But when the time comes that I have both, that’s nirvana. Right now I’m playing around 70 in my karma (see Plurk). It’s a good thing my happiness can be compared to the shallowness of a post-shower puddle, and my contentment dips way down to the unfathomable pit of the Pacific Ocean. So I can safely say that I still have spurts of positivity in my ever mundane psyche. In short, I’m a very normal human being… with simple expectations that could shoot down the moon.

So, the mantra of this lifetime: strive, strive, strive to be happy. Who would have thought? Desiderata still is ingrained in me after all, thanks to CAT.


_____
June definition: comes from Wikipedia.
Rose image from this link here

Eskapo

Escapism is a mental diversion by means of entertainment or recreation, as an "escape" from the perceived unpleasant aspects of daily stress. It can also be used as a term to define the actions people take to try to help relieve feelings of depression or general sadness. - Wikipedia

"There is a cheap literature that speaks to us of the need of escape. It is true that when we travel we are in search of distance. But distance is not to be found. It melts away. And escape has never led anywhere. The moment a man finds that he must play the races, go the Arctic, or make war in order to feel himself alive, that man has begin to spin the strands that bind him to other men and to the world. But what wretched strands! A civilization that is really strong fills man to the brim, though he never stir. What are we worth when motionless, is the question." - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

"Man staggers through life yapped at by his reason, pulled and shoved by his appetites, whispered to by fears, beckoned by hopes. Small wonder that what he craves most is self-forgetting." - Eric Hoffer

"Hell is of this world and there are men who are unhappy escapees from hell, escapees destined ETERNALLY to reenact their escape." - Antonin Artaud


To hell or high waters, there's no escape. Might as well listen to more music. *escaping*

A change of pace

I did some tweaking on this blog this evening and decided to put a list of labels for my posts. I realized I have a lot of angst going on. Actually, it's what fuels me into writing. But I have to change that and write something out of happiness. But damn, anger and words just get along so well in my world. But I'll still try. That spurt of joyful inspiration haven't dropped on me, yet. But I'm feeling positive. Or maybe I'm just too afraid to write about something that made me truly happy for a day, or a week because I know deep in my gut that Murphy's way will inevitably follow. Talk about positive thinking.

A friend or two mentioned this already to me that, whatever you feel or ask or wish for, you attract. The universe will eventually conspire to help you achieve whatever it is you desire, or something like that, like Coelho said. Somehow it happened to me last year. I wished so very hard for something, feeling hopeful even that that wish will be granted. And it actually did. But the process before that, it's just taxing. Putting all of your emotions into that one goal, visualizing yourself in the situation you wish to be in, praying to God that you're already there... it felt like it will go on forever. But in the end, it's definitely worth the long while.

I'll have to collect every ounce of strength I have then to be able to get what I want now and to internalize that I WILL get it. I need to have a semblance of positivity in my bones. Knowing the depressing situation of this world, why would I have to add up to its dreariness? God knows, it needs a little rainbow color. So I'll have to pull up my sleeves and put out my brush and paint, because I definitely have a long way to go.

End Notes

So the pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place. Looking at it now, the whole picture’s unsavory. Everything’s clearer, but the light’s just too bright for my liking. Amazingly so, the situation’s funny, and yet it’s definitely a lesson worth learning.

Never trust a one-sided coin, however straightforward it may seem. The other side speaks an entirely different story.

This pertains to my previous two posts. The former says my whole story, the latter is just for effect. A figment of my bored imagination. Anyway, so there it goes. There’s a triangle, you see, a shape that I don’t want to be included in, but I am. I WAS. I’m trying to extricate myself now by not being affected at all. After which, I will win the lottery and marry the man of my dreams (horse, shield and all) and we will live happily ever after on the moon. But is it just a triangle? The coin remains to be persistently stubborn. Maybe it’s a pyramid. Hell, who cares? Bottom line is I don’t want to be in it. So how do I get rid of it?

Dum-dum dum-dum, dum-dum dum-dum… dum dee-dum-dum, dum dum dum…
Time’s up. Answer? Time will tell. Sh*t.

This is what I get for trying to go against the grain, for taking the next step, for saying the first word… but I know, things like these don’t happen for no reason at all. And I know that despite good efforts but failed results, there’s always a light at the end of the dark, gloomy, depressing tunnel. It’s a lesson learned. No loss (maybe some change for the number of text messages sent), only gain. Emotional investment? Yes, but it’s like the change wasted on the sent messages. I can’t get them back, but something stronger would replace those that are lost. So, moving on…

I’m stupid stupid STOOPID.

Hah. Okay. Finally got that out. Now, TRULY moving on.

Re: A Letter to the Unaware

Dir Annoyed Urbanite,

Good day!

I apologize for any inconvenience. I didn’t mean to insult you in any way. I’m new here, I just want to make friends. Besides, aren’t you close with that guy, what’s his name? It looks like you and him are very close. And whenever he mentions your boyfriend and how you should practice doing what your doing with him, you never deny you have one.

I’m sorry if you are reading too much into this. But if your feelings won’t change, I understand. I still want to say, I have enjoyed your companionship.

Take care always,
The Unaware

A Letter to the Unaware

To whom it may concern:

First off, I just want to tell you that you are a mistake. Yes, a mistake. You're a fluke to my own specific standards. I never intend to insinuate any interest, but peer pressure pushed me into doing so because I’m gullible. And this flaw brought to me unnecessary attention to details that do not concern me. But I did so because you asked me to. Who am I to say no? It is not in my nature to brush off first-degree acquaintances because my own book of ethics calls for it.

But really, this is getting out of hand.

Second, I am not a news feed. Just because I know someone doesn’t imply that I am close to that person. Yes, we associate with the same circle of friends and we see each other often when I allow myself to interact with them. But our level of association ends there. I am not the type of person who forces herself to be friends with others, such a relationship is not a one-way street. And for your information, we have not reached such level wherein I have knowledge of that person’s personal opinions. Most especially, opinions about you. Therefore, DO NOT ASSUME that I have access to such things.

Third and last, how dare you use me. Just because I was being accommodating (which is a new change that I am trying to practice, and to you, of all people!) doesn’t make me a tool to be used for your own innocent whims. Maybe I’m exaggerating, or reading too much into your actions. But you knew that I was interested in you, yet you allowed me to be. And you somehow naively used that to your advantage to associate yourself more with another… through ME. My dear, you really should take lessons in figuring out the female psyche, at least the 5% of it if not more, because you are doomed if you are completely clueless.

Thou shall not unconsciously toy with a woman’s feelings, despite non-malicious intentions.

But I’ll forgive you. Probably it’s natural in your culture to do these things and girls in your territory would not take your actions into offense. But you’re in a different territory now, MY TERRITORY, so you better blend in and catch up. Or suffer my inevitable apathy.

I do wish you luck in your future endeavors. I sincerely hope your current predicament will solve itself without my assistance. You see, I have reached the limit of my “accommodating” nature. Therefore I leave you with this simple note… go find someone else to text.


Sincerely not yours,
An Annoyed Urbanite

Would like to file for retraction, but would rather not.

Hormones, people. I was under the influence of a cycle worse than a tornado, more devastating than a tsunami, and most fickle than all fickled women (young, old, and older) combined.

I don't want to say it was all a lie. As a matter of fact, everything I said in my first post yesterday was true. Only on that day. Not to worry, attacks like these are to be expected. Sometimes I'll go quiet, other times I'll give a shout out. This is one of those shout outs.

Anyway, I have all the time in the world and I have to say that I did learn valuable things during college. I'm currently alive and surviving because of them. The time wasted, I can't do anything about it. I'll just have to make the most out of the coming seconds and minutes and hours, days and weeks of my future and say thanks, I'm still breathing. There are a lot of opportunities for me now that I am keeping an eye out, and I don't intend to close my doors on anything that comes my way. This should be very exciting, I can't wait for the rest of my life :)

As for THAT, the one I mentioned at first was not the reason but actually was... well, I'm a girl. I can't help it. All I can do now is laugh it off and go on to my next victim~er, prospect. Better fish in the sea. Don't deserve me. Lots of others, only too little time. You're just a boy, and I'm THE girl. Yadda, yadda.

So, no retraction then. I'll let it be and let it pass. Nobody noticed it anyway, hohohoho.

Boredom rules. Rak.

April blues

Disclaimer: Put out your ice cubes and rafters, please.

There’s just something missing.
Like a missing ingredient to make the pot taste better. Some people never needed that ingredient; it’s more like a bonus for them because they are already naturally or skillfully “tasty.” Geniuses, talented, gifted. As for me, aside from being a lowly ordinary human being with the average IQ, I needed it because convention, peer pressure, and the simple steps towards maturity call for it. Society dictates that to be the perfect brew and reach a high rate to success, you must add up this specific ingredient. To anyone else, that ingredient would be relative depending on their past regrets or deficiency in life. It can be two ingredients, several, or a lot. To me it’s just one. And by God it’s not about a guy.

I wasted my time in college. I got sidetracked, distracted, care-free… name it, the point is I wasted my time spending it mostly outside of class. I had too many missed opportunities that I intentionally ignored. Everything felt hard or boring or just plain uninteresting because I never tried the next step. I never had a goal then, a concrete one at that. I was just thinking of the “now,” the “what’s next?”, and not the aftereffects of my actions to my future.

This, hence, resulted to getting pissed off easily, defensive, negative and fuck, just plain pathetic. In short, pity parties are most concurrent than my monthly period. But most of all, I just feel tired. Tired of regretting why I made second thoughts and chose the wrong answer, knowing in the first place that it’s the wrong answer (stupid huh?). So tired of holding myself back and regretting why I wasted my time not being able to go through that and finish what needs to be finished. And so, so fucking tired of thinking if I deserve to be happy knowing that I’m still half-baked? Right now I just feel exhausted writing this pitiable paragraph.

It just so happens I felt the happiest after coming back from my summer hiatus before and during Holy Week. Now, after too much thinking and piecing together insubstantial facts (best called as rumors), that source of happiness is quickly evaporating. With this, please go back to the previous paragraph, first three sentences. Only it’s worse by two folds because I was on higher ground than before, so the fall is longer and harder.

Honestly, this admission is too private for me and too close to the target, but thinking if I let it out to the world (if ever anyone would care to listen), maybe an echo with a different voice and more positive sentiments might come back. I don’t want to call this entry a “pity party” because hell and high water will come first before I admit to it as such. I just don’t want to shut up anymore. And I’m freaking pissed off. Hell, I need a shrink. Or maybe a hug.

Pity party indeed.


Other titles for this entry: Moment of weakness, Pity party, Ice cubes and rafters, Quarterly period, Free hug, Vetsin nga dyan

Idle hands

No, not the self-possessed murderous hand as the movie connotes. Though I don't wish my hands to be useless (much less murderous), especially when I'll be joining a climbing competition this weekend.

I'm scared shitless.

I had no training nor any purposeful exercise for the past week, and here I am having the audacity to join a nationals competition. NATIONALS. What's wrong with me?

One of the gym instructors told me that since I'll be there anyway, why not join in? Fine. I'll join the novice category, it's been ages since I last joined an individual competition, some other competitions I joined were in teams. at least I'd know I can finish up to 3 panels or so since it's a top rope category.

Then lightning struck, and rain falls hard at Bagasbas, Daet, where it will all happen. It has been like that since Tuesday, I was told. Now news got in that the route setters are contemplating on replacing the novice competition with the bouldering category rather than a top rope. Ten ten teeeeen. Boy, am I in trouble now. I haven't done any bouldering problems for, let's say, AGES?!? I was already set on enjoying myself once I get there. Now I'm at my toes with wracked nerves I've forgotten which way is up to down.

But then I remembered, I agreed to join because I decided to take risks now. And there's a goal that I need to accomplish before the year ends and if I don't act fast, next month will already be December. It's a project I intend to finish to the last detail.

"A goal properly set is already half-way reached."

Got stuck on me after reading it from a Tita Dine's Plurk. So I'm 50% almost there.
Ah heck, there's no use worrying about the competition. Might as well let it bring itself on and just try to have fun. And hope to God that I actually am 50% almost there.

Magsaysay Avenue

This is how I walk at night. I walk these streets between 10PM to 2AM, most of the time after climbing at Tandang Sora, and several times when I was still working at Libis three years ago, I'd get lucky when the office shuttle decided to pass by Katipunan Avenue instead of EDSA. I love this facet of the campus. Just when the streets are quiet from the hustle and bustle of students, teachers, residents and people passing through, this is when the roads become truly themselves… even during their sleep. The orange-tinted lamp posts illuminate every strong facet of the road, and at the same time, hide their secrets with their ominous shadows. It's thrilling to walk the streets knowing you're alone and not a soul in sight. But somehow, ironically, I know I'm safe. As long as I stay on the path, never swaying, I'm on safe grounds. I feel like the girl following the yellow-bricked road, which is actually what it looks like with the amber lights reflecting the rough pavement. There’s no place like home.

It's also my way of zen, so to speak, and walking this road in the middle of the night gives me a moment of peace that seldom comes. It's my in-between, the transition from the hectic fast-paced on-goings during the day to the mellow slow-moving repose of the night. I'll miss it when the time comes that I need to find another route to go through when the C-5 is finally finished, or (here's to hoping) when I can finally drive my own car (but I still have a long way to go compared to the C-5 road). But I know it's something that I can get back to again and again when I need to find that peace along Magsaysay Avenue. There’s no stopping me from following that yellow-bricked road.

In a crux

Change is something that’s inevitable. Especially when you’ve been gone a long time from the one you love, coming back is hard because you don’t know what to expect. Will it still be the same? Will it still feel the same? You’re lucky when you come back and still see the same things that you usually did as before. The familiarity of it aches inside you and it’s like you never left at all. It’s perfect. It’s heaven. It’s like coming home.

But change is inevitable. I’ve come back more than a month ago to the one I love dearly and diffidently. The time in between seems like ages last I remember before going on hiatus. But now I’ve decided to come back again and revive that love I painstakingly fell for several years ago. It’s far from perfect, it’s hotter than hell, but it’s still home. Is it still the same? No. Do I feel the same after coming back? Yes. But it will be hard work, harder than before. My love never truly died, it just stagnated in one corner of my being and survived. Coming back revived it like I was falling for the first time… all over again. Now the challenge is winning back the affections I lost. And the ultimate question will be: Would it still be worth it?

Like they say, if you love someone or something, you’ll fight for that love. But if that someone or something doesn’t love you back (or not anymore), will you still keep doing so?