I never thought that I would be friends with the universe at last. Probably because I allowed myself to be vulnerable to its fateful grasps. And look where it got me for the past two weeks? I found myself two happy places. I found my element, though I’m still teetering for balance, but with practice it would be as easy as pie. If I allow myself just to be.
What am I talking about in the first place? Well, I’d hate to go into details because… I’m still shy to do so. Hahahah! What the. But the point of the matter is, I’m able to allow myself to be vulnerably happy without fearing if some bad karma will just snatch it all away. Or if I deserve it or not. Okay, so I’m still blabbering. Maybe I’ll just give you some snapshots of what has been happening in my boring life for the past two weeks so you may get it:
I went to Bagasbas, Daet to take part on the 2nd Bagasbas Surf Festival last April 4-5, all the time thinking that I’m just there to enjoy the sand, the water and the people. I ended up joining a nationals climbing competition expecting nothing and decided to have the most fun out of it, and what did it reward me? A third place (along with an up-and –coming co-climber as well) in the Women’s Novice Difficulty climbing category. That was the first time I joined a competition without feeling too much pressure and all the time I was just damn happy. My heart was beating all that time not with wracking nerves but with anticipation. Winning a place was a major bonus, but hearing the people I became friends with at Daet cheering me on and joining in with my antics while I was struggling up the finals wall was my ultimate prize. I have to admit, it did pass my mind that I’d want to win a place, but it didn’t matter much. After that experience, I found something new in me. I was not usually the competitive type, and I backed away from any challenge most of my life, fearing the failure. But the feeling of knowing there’s a potential in me was intoxicating. I found out that I don’t have to be up for competition with any other person, but rather, I’m up for competition against myself. That way, I can better myself without the risk of having to lose myself to other people and take them for granted. And that I won’t have to be afraid if I lost or fail at all. It’s a part of what everyone goes through inside or outside any competition. It’s a part of life. From hereon, I can never look at climbing the same way again. I finally found a happy place.
Another is spending the Holy Week at my father’s province in San Andres, Catanduanes. It was the first time we spent the Lenten season there complete, with my older brother along. That was the chance for us to just be, as well. Though I’d snatch a few hours to do follow ups at work via broadband (which didn’t help much thanks for the weak signal), and so does my bro. Still, I found out I have the most amazingly dynamic and diverse family tree. Those who were supposed to stick together created their barriers in between, and those who were expected to be at opposite sides were the best of allies. I’m just lucky, and I’m taking advantage in every way possible. The more I see the family on my father’s side, the more I want to work hard for Erpat’s benefit. He didn’t get as much attention as he should in his position when he was young, and it breaks me up that he still has so much to give despite the lack of some things. I’d have to say, he’s the epitome of a big brother to his family. And he’s just too kind for his own good. Sometimes, we tell him so, but he’d retaliate by being hard on us so we’d think otherwise. The truth of the matter is, he’s a mamon, hehehe. And as for Kuya, he was able to grab an ample moment of relaxation during our mini-vacation. He’s been stressing himself so much with a lot of things and has been so serious with a lot of things, and that was his time to decompress. I’m glad he got it. He looked more like himself before adulthood caught up with him. Ermats, as usual, allowed herself to just loosen up as well, and become her klutzy own self. The Videoke queen as my uncle and aunt would tease her. And I have fallen crazy head over heels with my little cousins, all four devils of them. Twenty-four hours haven’t passed by and I already miss them. That’s what made my stay all the more wholesome and rewarding. Another thing I’m fascinated with is how my aunts, especially the youngest, would go around and with every turn on the street, she’d greet a person or two, then would whisper to me, “He’s a cousin from this side, and from that…” San Andres is like a big family compound. Everyone’s related, whether it be a good or bad side. But the connection is there, and that’s what matters.
Living there was a piece of cake, as long as you have the mucho dineros to support yourself every day. I could easily slip into the early waking hours and the early shut-off nights. Just give me the sun, the sea and the stars, and I’m done with. It’s the perfect breakaway from the city. How typical for me to say that. I guess that proves the point.
I’d have to say, everything looks different right now. I’m looking ahead with a new sight. A very positive one. I’m learning not to be afraid of risks or challenges anymore. I’m learning to embrace my mistakes and just go ahead. I’m learning life, as I should. Damn happy. Haha!
